Don't let go, move on, or get over it

And what actually calms my ass down

Nov 10, 2024

You know when you go to a workshop with high hopes to understand yourself better, to make some long overdue changes, to really dig in and face some shit you’ve repressed for way too long and then you get there and you realize it was just hype and you could’ve googled the information you got and you finally understand why people tell you never to meet your heroes?

Well, we’ve all been going to the wrong workshops!!!

My friend Serenity and I got to see

Elizabeth Gilbert

and Martha Beck at a creativity workshop in Toronto. It was outrageously beautiful in every way.

We stayed in a gorgeous AirBnb overlooking Lake Ontario, watching the sun rise in the morning, and being awed by a sea of glitter and sparkle at night.

The bed was more comfortable than my own and the hosts were the kindest I’ve met in all my travels. This is the listing, if you want to experience it for yourself. The pictures don’t do it justice.

Tell Vishal and Shashank that Juliane & Serenity sent you ;-) No, we’re not getting a commission when you stay there. Yes, I’m chewing gum very loudly in this video.

The weekend was exactly what I needed when I needed it the most. Partially because I got to go with one of my closest friends and our first trip together definitely took our friendship to a whole new level, but also because sometimes the people you admire and adore really are admirable and adorable. Not perfect heroes, but real humans.

Just watching Liz and Martha’s friendship was a gift. But being there with one of my bestest friends and realizing that I had zero close friends less than three years ago and now have a community of women around me who I deeply adore and admire made me feel all melty inside.

If you read my last post, you know it’s been a bit rough in my personal life lately and I’m so glad I didn’t cancel this weekend, even though it came after an unplanned month of being out of state supporting a family member and a work trip and then getting sick while visiting my sister. It was worth the money I spent on tickets and flights and the Airbnb. It was worth taking the time off and traveling for an entire day.

Martha and Liz were both incredibly generous and I want to share a few things I’ve learned that impacted me, so maybe someone who reads this, gets to benefit, too.

You Don’t Have to Let Go

This little exercise by Martha was one of those moments something clicked—not just in my head but through my entire body.

Martha talked about how for some of us, the idea of “letting go” creates anxiety. She asked us to close our eyes and think about the hardest thing in our lives right now, the situation, relationship, or incident that causes us the most pain and fear. Then she told us to just let that shit go, let it go, let it go.

You can try it right now yourself.

I immediately started feeling edgy and anxious, my muscles contracting and a pit forming in my stomach.

Writing about it now, I believe that the idea of letting go terrifies me, because it means I will lose something or someone. And also, because it feels like I have to actively do something that I don’t know how to do, so I feel incapable and weak and stupid. It’s just another thing I should be doing that I can’t, like moving on, sucking it up, getting over it, etc. Letting go is just a nicer version of that in my ears.

If it works for you, that’s wonderful, but it never worked for me. That’s why Martha’s reframe was a gamechanger.

She told us to keep the hard thing in our minds and then tell it “You can stay” instead. My entire body immediately relaxed. You can stay, fear. You can stay, grief. You can stay, pain. You can stay, loneliness and desperation and uncertainty and stuckness and jealousy and pettiness and embarrassment and shame. I will not send you away. You can be here, take a seat, tell me everything about yourself.

It was like a deep sigh went through the auditorium of 900 people. Like I could feel 900 nervous systems power down instantly and peace filled the room.

Here’s why I think it worked for me: Just like I’m practicing expanding my window of tolerance (for intense emotions), I’m practicing allowing space for all the parts of me, including the ones I’m scared of or embarrassed by. If you’re not sure what I mean by parts work, you can read about the part of me I used to hate. I’m making the circle wider. I’m letting everything that is already there be there without trying to change anything, yet I do not have to actively accept the parts that are hard, I just have to acknowledge that they’re there and have something to show me. Acceptance to me always sounds like I’m okay with the thing (I know that’s not necessarily what it means, but if you have certain associations with a word, it doesn’t matter what it actually means). Allowing myself to feel without having to “accept” or “let go” is like undoing a tight knot inside my chest.

I’d love for you to try it yourself and let me know about your experience.

True Spirit Exercise (yes, it’s woo-woo, just go with me)

Grab a piece of paper or a new page in your journal, and a pen or pencil.
Put your writing utensil in your non-dominant hand (breathe through the anxiety that will ensue. “Oh no! This will be messy and so not perfect! How will I survive??” - You will, I promise).
Put your pen down in the middle of the page, then close your eyes. No peeking, I trust you. Keep your eyes closed.
Now draw a self-portrait in about ten seconds (I don’t remember how long we had at the conference, but it was only seconds).
Look at yourself. Be filled with glee at what you see!

Here’s mine. What I noticed immediately was the open-mouthed smile, the exuberance jumping off the page, the pure joy, the unadulterated excitement of being alive. And also, I’m wearing a dress! Of course! I have always hated pants!! And, am I possibly waving with two middlefingers??? I’m not sure but that would be just the right amount of fucks.

I was born into a family where many people seemed to have a death wish. People who were starving themselves to death, drinking themselves to death, smoking themselves to death, working themselves to death. My uncle was a heroin addict, my parents were alcoholics, my aunt anorexic, my Opa a workaholic. Of course, they were and are much more than that, but the parts that seemed to scream I need to be small, invisible, numb, busy, useful, were so loud.

They all came by their coping mechanisms honestly, and so did I.

The reason inner child work feels so profound to me is that it’s much harder for me to be an asshole to little Juliane than grown-up Juliane. While everyone in the audience was laughing and sharing their drawings with each other, Liz asked us to imagine berating that little person and saying horrible things to them, and immediately a sort of cringe and repulsion rippled through the auditorium. None of us wanted to be cruel to the innocent, free, beautiful, sparkly versions of ourselves.

I would be honored if you shared your drawing with me :)

How To Remember The Important Shit

How many workshops, speeches, classes, and trainings have you attended, furiously scribbling notes never to read them again, promising yourself to remember those key takeaways but forgetting them the very next day, committing to finally taking that step or making that change only to fall right back into your routine?

I always think I’ll remember but then I don’t.

Near the end of the weekend, Liz helped my brain refocus on the most important things I’d learned. You can try this out next time you go to a presentation, or pull out your journal or notes from your most recent one to follow along with this exercise:

Liz asked us to go through our notes from the previous two days, skim everything, and pay attention to any words or phrases that stuck out and seemed to lift off the page. You don’t have to reread every single word and you don’t have to overthink it. Take 5 - 10 minutes depending on how many notes you have, and trust that the most important stuff will stand out to you.
Underline those parts, words, and phrases that catch your attention.
Go back through all your underlined parts and choose 5. List them on a new page.
Go back and grab that sixth one that you really wanted to include but had to kick out because you were only allowed 5 ;-)
Make that sixth one your title.
Now you have a strange poem, a weird pep talk, a secret treasure trove of personalized mantras to guide you in taking action.

Here’s mine:

Give All The Fucks
The thing you're most afraid of is the best for your soul - Sit quietly alone in a room.
Purpose is fear trying to be fancy - Choose presence over purpose.
Suffering is an unignorable gift - Reframe 'this is horrible' to 'this is interesting.'
PAUSE (Perhaps An Unseen Solution Exists) - Let rest do the rest.
You don't cry when you lose hope - You cry when you get it back.

Try this with the notes from a workshop or class you took recently or with your last 10 journal entries and then share your poem/peptalk/treasure trove with all of us in the comments (if you want to).

How to Comfort Yourself

At the end of her workshop, Liz didn’t opt for a screaming, clapping, jumping around ending, but helped us self-soothe after some writing exercises that were pretty emotional and slightly dysregulating. I had no idea how very fucking handy this would be during this last week. I mean, who is NOT dysregulated right now?? Anyway, if you think hugging yourself is dumb, I get it. Roll your eyes the entire time if you want, but if you’re a tiny bit curious, just try it out.

Here’s what Liz taught us:

Place your right hand on your left biceps and hold on tightly but not like a clamp. If you don’t have a biceps, no problem, it’s just a reminder to put your hand about halfway between your shoulder and elbow.
Put your left arm under your right armpit.
Tuck your chin down to your chest (don’t force it like it’s a stretch, just assume that general direction).
Close your eyes and breathe into your belly. Let the exhales be longer than the inhales (no need to count). Rock if you feel like it.
Stay here as long as you need.

And here’s a little video to show you, so we can do it together (the audio is bad in places because I’m not, like, a sound engineer, or whatever, but you’ll get the gist):

Just Because

During the election coverage, I said to Rob, hey, maybe I’ll take the girls on a trip to D.C. in January to see the swearing in of our first female president live. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It would have. Instead, I’ve been in a “WTF just happened, America, oh wait, I’m actually not surprised and that hurts worse” state. If this week has been hard for you, too, here are some gifts: something beautiful, something hopeful, and something funny.

Beauty

My friend Victoria (who, by the way, is BEAUTIFUL and makes BEAUTIFUL clothes and teaches people how to make their own BEAUTIFUL sewing patterns) sent me this link to her buddy’s IG account @luminescentflowersatdusk. He’s a farmer and takes pictures of his dirty bare feet at the end of the day with all the gorgeous flowers on his farm. Are these pictures not totally enchanting?

Hope

Something that gave me hope this week:

Laughs

I don’t like the “haha my husband is so dumb” jokes, because I’m just as likely to be the one in the tighty whities, but the video itself is hilarious and I have watched it 8 times now and can’t stop laughing. The soundtrack takes it over the edge. Every morning, during my co-writing time on Zoom, I secretly hope Rob will walk into the frame.

husbands_beinghusbands

A post shared by @husbands_beinghusbands

The Unmentionables Writing Lab is back next week, Wednesday, 11/13/24 at 11:30 am Mountain time. If you want to experience the magic of reading a piece of your dirty draft out loud to a small circle of deep, smart, funny humans, you can claim your spot here. There are three slots left. If you’re new to Unmentionables, you can get more info below: